My guilty feeling of being too impatient

Good morning everyone!

I had a sleepless night again.  Axxel is so kulit last night.  Very hyper ang bata, ayaw matulog at ayaw magpatulog.  He slept at 8:00pm, but he continuously woke up every 2 hours! Kalokang bata. He probably misses me too much.  I didn't slept with him kasi the other night because  I need to accompany his Ate Yani in bed.  Axxel is just a sweet boy.  We kept on laughing lang the whole night through.  It was so cute.  I am just slightly groggy here in the office because of lack of sleep, but for the love of my children, I'm very much willing to endure it.

Since I believe that we are now much closer as the time goes by, I would like to confess the darkest part of me.  No. I'm not the female version of Christian Grey.  Definitely not.  This post includes no whips and hand cuffs.  What I would like to tell you is that, I admit, I have been so impatient for the past several times.  I am impatient na even before.  I remember when I was in high school, when you and your group mates will meet in this certain time, and then someone will arrive late (say 10 mins.), It will really make me really angry on that person to the point of lecturing him/her the value of time for the whole day. And my whole day will be ruined dahil lang sa simpleng late comer. It brought me that behavior until college.  I was even worse then.  Being the leader of the class, I always make it appoint that all their actions was within under my permission. If the deadline was not met, I will scream like there's no tomorrow.  That's very rude of me, I know. 

It is hard for me because my brain incited me that that person was very disrespectful of others for not valuing their time or for not maximizing their time, even if I know in my heart that there must be a reason for it.  I am so close minded.  

Now that I am married and has my own family, I managed to somewhat control it but I haven't still overcomes it yet.  I still shout once in a while, even with my kids lalo na kung sukdulan na ang kakulitan nila.  I also feel very guilty every time my voice raises to Gabo if he does not quickly comprehend the lessons that where studying, assignments that I was teaching him, or if he does not respond to my question as quickly as I wanted him to.  It distressed me every time I saw the looks of children after being scolded by me.  

Another instance was just three days ago.  Me and my husband works in the same government office. Our time is 8:00am-5:00pm.  We make sure that we maximizes our work within that time alone so as not to overtime in order for us to arrive home as early as we can to attend our kids.  However, for the past few weeks, Jun's work demands him more time resulting us to leave the office at 6:00pm.  It was not everyday, It was like 2 days in a week. One time I said that we should go exactly at 5:00pm sharp because I don't want to be caught in a traffic. He said yes.  At exactly 5:00pm, I logged out and waited him at the parking lot. It was already 5:10pm but still no sight of him.  I was already so angry on him that time that when he arrives at 5:15pm, my eyes was already burning in heat looking at him.  The moment he sat in the car, I immediately confronted him by raising my voice, asking him why hes was 15 minutes late.  I was literally yelling at him on top of my throat.  I'm so insensitive that I didn't even ask him the reason of being late.  Ang dami ko ng sinabi sa kanya.  I don't want to detail it here because it really sounds painful that you may curse me. My husband is just quiet all that time.  After I releases my anger, he told me that we couldn't continue our marriage with that kind of behavior of mine.  He cited me all the instances that I'm being rude at him or at my kids whenever I didn't get what exactly I wanted.  He said that our marriage will suffer, and it will not produce a happy, growing family with me being always impatient.  He said that he was just enduring my being irrational at times because he wants to understand me and he understands me.  However, it should not always be the case because it will not help us not just only in the success of our marriage but to my growth as a person more imperatively.

Gallon of tears fell in my eyes.  Para akong binuhusan ng kumukulong tubig habang hubo't hubad!  I sobbed like there's no tomorrow.  I felt so immature that time. Para ba akong nawala sa katinuan. We all know that patience is a virtue, but I always struggle on it. Changing a certain behavior from what you have been used to be is not a walk in a park.  It takes some time.  A lot of time, in my case.  It is a process that I have to walk and live down in life.  It must be a commitment that must be instilled not just in my mind (or else it will be temporary) but more significantly in my heart.   It needs a lot of conviction.

Jun is a man of reasons.  I have always been thanking him and will continue to thank him. He has the wisdom that I lack sometimes.  I know that he loves me unconditionally. Unconditional love is very rare here on earth, but I'm very much lucky that I have his.  Kaya siguro God gave him to me, to support and help me in my weakness times, to be the better person that I have to be and for the future of our family.  

There are no promises here yet, because like I said, it is a learning process.  What's important is the first step to change: in which you acknowledge that there is something wrong, and the willingness and conviction to make it right.

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  1. Hi mommy. I think your "impatience" is brought about by stress. And your husband is right, its not healthy to always shout at your kids. I suggest you find time to talk to your kids about why you shouted at them and maybe apologize for hurting their feelings. Same with your husband. Also, find time to have a vacation by yourself. I think you need to unwind lang. Or maybe have a whole day pampering the at Spa or something. But I know that you'll overcome your impatience since you are very of it. Aja!

  2. Now I feel guilty too. I have patience problems lately because of stress and other reasons. I try my best not to vent out on my kids but kawawa naman husband ko. I'm working on my personal issues now so it won't affect my family :)

  3. My husband has the same case of being impatient. On my end and try to give him as much understanding as I may and I do admit it also gets the best of me. As long as you and your husband communicate, which is totally the key here, then you should be fine. Always be open to each others feelings.

  4. That is my problem before I have a tendency din to release my anger by shouting without thinking the consequences. When he told me that I should respect him especially if there is somebody else, and I learned my lesson from there. Patience love faith and communication is a must in a healthy relationship :-)

  5. I used to shout a lot more too but nowadays I've learned to step back and chill.

  6. Now is the time to change. As you grow older, you will learn to be patient in all aspects of life.


  7. It's tough not to be impatient these days, the weather, the stress, so give yourself a little credit. The important thing is that you realize when you go overboard.

  8. I can totally relate because I have times like that too. Childish, immature, unreasonable times that are so embarrassing. God bless you and I with someone who can handle us in times like those. Bless our husbands' hearts!

  9. I could get impatient too at times! I think it's perfectly normal, there's really phase that you have to go through.

  10. Hay... I feel you. I was impatient too, before. But, 4 kids and 2nd husband later, I think I have learned a little. I became more patient, because if not, magkaka world war 4 na. :)

    There are so many factors of being impatient kasi: stress, lifestyle, and environment. Try analyzing why.. I did the same thing. We are lucky kasi we have husbands na understanding and loving. :) Start from there. :)

  11. Whenever I feel so angry before, I used to shout to my husband and I think it's not really healthy and helpful. Started to have kids then the patience test comes in, naku! hirap magcontrol. Hindi talaga ito maiiwasan but what more important we learn how to control, what I just do go to the bathroom and locked myself until I am calm.

  12. I understand you, I also get impatient and then feel bad afterwards. What's important is the realization and the attempt to control yourself when you feel annoyed or angry. It takes time but slowly you'll be able to let go of that feeling of needing to be in control and having everyone follow suit. :)