My One Mommy Guilt

I just want to share to you guys my entry in one of the online contests I joined.  I think that It is worth sharing co'z I know that there are also other mommy stories same as mine.

My One Mommy Guilt

While re-reading your post, a lot of things flash backed to my mind and a lot of emotions pinched my heart.  I am a 28 year-old mom.  I already have 3 kids (6 yrs. old, 4 yrs. old, and 10 months old).  I married and was pregnant at the age of 21.  I gave birth to my first born at 22, at the height of my career.  I was a very competitive and career-oriented woman.  I was very upset that time when I discover that I got pregnant by “accident”.  By accident because it was not at all planned.  I am just starting to have this glorious career that I have been wanted all my life but then I have to make a pause and focus on my pregnancy because my job’s nature is more on travelling and field work.  I still haven’t maximized and enjoyed my life as “single” so I really felt that I am deprived with my situation back then.  I did not blame my baby then in my tummy but I am so disappointed with myself. 

When my first born came out, I immediately went back to work.  I worked all day and night. When I arrived home, I’m already exhausted and always asked yaya if she can sleep beside my baby because I don’t want my night to be interrupted due to stress and fatigue at work. My husband worked at night so he cannot also sleep with the baby. Fast forward, it lasted for a year. I was only with him during my free time which was very rare. For one long year, my son was longing for my attention and caress while I was so busy working my ass off. Then God really had his mysterious ways. I, again, got pregnant more than a year after. My mom life did not change. It was routinary. I wake up with my son still asleep and arrive home with my son preparing to sleep. I’ll just kissed him good night and tomorrow will be just like any other day. I am indeed a mother full of weaknesses and fears and I admit that I became an irresponsible mother.

Came the day of his 2nd birthday, I was in the hospital because I gave birth to her little sister a day before. Good thing it was a normal delivery that’s why I immediately asked my OB if we could go home to catch my son’s birthday celebration. And you know what? When I came home with his little sister, he ran towards me, hugged me, and kiss his little sister. As in tuwang tuwa siya sa baby! I thought that I gave him the best gift he had ever received, and that was his sister. Hindi ko ma-explain ang panlalambot na naramdaman ko. I was so speechless! His gestures talked to me as if I did nothing wrong against him. It’s as if I became a perfect mother for him. I felt so guilty that time, it swallowed me whole. I prayed so hard to God like I have never prayed before for giving me a son like him. I hugged him so tight, very tight and promised to never let him go again.

I cried bucket of tears almost every now and then when I remembered it. Until now, I am still in the process of forgiving myself. I was tortured by the thoughts of it alone. But in God’s time, all will be well. I don’t have to rush things because everything will be beautiful in its own time. I can only hold on to my prayers in which I constantly ask for forgiveness and chance for me to make it through.

I cannot live in guilt forever.  

Good thing that my husband was there all the time when I wasn't. He was much closer to his dad than to me, obviously. But we, getting along with each other, is already there. Thank God. God knows how I tried to be not just a better mother but a better person as well. As a mom, I have to be totally SELFLESS and give MORE of myself to my children.


It’s really a relief that I got the chance to write this. God really makes sure to expose us to different kinds of venues to share and express our experiences in our mommy journey.
God bless us all Mommies!

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