The Art of Forgiving: Letting Go of your Grudges

Hi guys! 

How are you? 

Its been a long time since my last post I know. I'm fine, however, I have to be honest that I'm
not that Owwkay. There are things that have not running smoothly right now. I have been thinking about it quite sometime until it took its toll only yesterday. Just to give you the context, there are some people in my life, people I have known long before, people whom I just met and the people that come and go whom I'm dealing with some issues. I didn't know if it's coincidence that they all simultaneously giving me crazy days and sleepless nights.

I feel betrayed.

Betrayed by those people that I did not only trust but whom I also considered as a family, sisters. For such a long time I knew and I can attest to myself and to the people that is true to me that I have been a loyal and a very dependable friend. I'm not the type of friend who gives flowery words just to please you. You can hear a lot of criticisms, but I can assure you that all of those are intended to make you think better and to challenge you that you can still do more. I'm the type of person that I can go through hell just to help you, comfort you, listen to you and simply just to be with you. In short, hindi kita pababayaan. That's the reason why it was just so painful when I discovered that I have been betrayed, and left alone. I know it is bad but I have so much grudges in my mind and in my heart right now that I cannot rationalize the reason why they had to do that on me. Then while reflecting, I suddenly realized that those relationships no longer brings any particular goodness in life and is perhaps, even detrimental. I remember reading a particular book that says "Sometimes, we hold on to people purely based on how long we have known them. Time can tie people together, but if you feel as though there’s nothing substantial keeping you connected, time is not a strong enough reason to hold on to something that’s simply no longer worth holding onto." That's when I came to the point of letting go. It just brought me so much pain that staying on it wasn't an option anymore. I believed it will no longer bring any happy ending and peacefulness if I just sticked on the negative feeling that I have right now while enduring the hurt and pain. I have to do something different today to welcome my inner peace back.

I would to share this advice (with my comments) from John M. Grohol that entitles: 

5 Ways to Let Go of Past Hurts

The only way you can accept new joy and happiness into your life is to make space for it. If your heart is filled full-up with pain and hurt, how can you be open to anything new?

1. Make the decision to let it go.

Things don’t disappear on their own. You need to make the commitment to “let it go.” If you don’t make this conscious choice up-front, you could end up self-sabotaging any effort to move on from this past hurt.

It's true.  You have to make a choice.  Life is a choice and happiness is always a choice.  No one will do this except yourself.  No matter how people around you tell you what you should do, it is still up to you to make a change, to take the plunge.  Help yourself, free yourself and move on.

2. Express your pain — and your responsibility.

Express the pain the hurt made you feel, whether it’s directly to the other person, or through just getting it out of your system (like venting to a friend, or writing in a journal, or writing a letter you never send to the other person). Get it all out of your system at once. Doing so will also help you understand what — specifically — your hurt is about.

That's why I decided to write what I honestly felt.  It helped me unleash the saddest feelings in me.  It allowed me to breathe and helped me to stay calm.  A phone call to my husband also helps a lot.  I needed someone who can bring me back to reality when I'm being irrational due to my emotions.  Jun is such an honest and unbiased person.  He tell's me when I'm wrong and plants wisdom to my soul just when I needed it.  

3. Stop being the victim and blaming others.

Being the victim feels good — it’s like being on the winning team of you against the world. But guess what? The world largely doesn’t care, so you need to get over yourself. Yes, you’re special. Yes, your feelings matter. But don’t confuse with “your feelings matter” to “your feelings should override all else, and nothing else matters.” Your feelings are just one part of this large thing we call life, which is all interwoven and complex. And messy.

I needed to be in control with myself.  Focusing on the negative side and allowing those nasty emotions will never ever give you a peace of mind.

4. Focus on the present — the here and now — and joy.

Now it’s time to let go. Let go of the past, and stop reliving it. Stop telling yourself that story where the protagonist — you — is forever the victim of this other person’s horrible actions. You can’t undo the past, all you can do is to make today the best day of your life.

Make a brand new you.  The hell with those betrayal and the hell with those grudges.  Stop stressing yourself and start focusing on the things that really matters to you, on the things that helps you become a better you, on the people that brightens your day and on the people that brings out the best in you.

5. Forgive them — and yourself.

We may not have to forget another person’s bad behaviors, but virtually everybody deserves our forgiveness. Sometimes we get stuck in our pain and our stubbornness, we can’t even imagine forgiveness. But forgiveness isn’t saying, “I agree with what you did.” Instead, it’s saying, “I don’t agree with what you did, but I forgive you anyway.”

Forgiveness isn’t a sign of weakness. Instead, it’s simply saying, “I’m a good person. You’re a good person. You did something that hurt me. But I want to move forward in my life and welcome joy back into it. I can’t do that fully until I let this go.”

And forgiving yourself may be an important part of this step as well, as sometimes we may end up blaming ourselves for the situation or hurt. While we indeed may have had some part to play in the hurt (see step 2), there’s no reason you need to keep beating yourself up over it. If you can’t forgive yourself, how will you be able to live in future peace and happiness?

There is no other way out but to forgive those people that hurt you.  I admit that it is not a walk in the park process but you can't never fully achieve happiness without forgiveness.  

Give yourself a a very big favor by forgiving yourself too.  It takes two to tango.  Along the way you may have some unintentional participation on the "hurt" process.  However, again, you must never dwell onto it instead accept that things happen for a reason and that tomorrow is a new sun shiny day for you.

Allow me to cap this post by saying that life indeed is too short for us to focus on negativity. God is the way, the truth, and the life.  What happens now is bound to happen because God has a greater plan for us.  You may never understand and accept it now, but in time you will come running to him, to hug him and thank him that what he does gave you an eternal happiness. =)

Stay positive and have a very bright day!

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  1. I understand how you feel Celin. Like i mention dun sa isang post mo, i don't have that many friends, i mean with what happened before at na experienced ko like dito sa post mo, i feel betrayed din. I learned din to forgive and let go, pero syempre nagkaroon ng unting epekto sa pakikipag kaibigan ko sa ibang tao. I'm starting na din naman to open my door pagdating sa pakikipag kaibigan, pero i'm more careful now at medyo naging mapili.

    You're right din na may fault din siguro ako kaya nagka ganun, pero the best way is to let it go nalang and cut ties para mas mag heal yung hurt na naidulot, ang drama ko naman anoh, hehe! Kaya smile nalang palagi at tama ka, good vibes palagi! =)

    1. Yes, Mary Joy. The key is to let go of it BUT with no grudges in your heart of course. We don't need to close our door, we just have to be more vigilant and careful when trusting someone. And keep being